Shame and Self-Forgiveness: Managing Shame During Recovery

Many factors can work against your efforts to recover from a substance use disorder, including the negative judgments you make about yourself and your behavior.

You may feel a strong sense of shame for some of the things you did while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. You may also feel shame for your inability to control your substance use in the first place, which you see as a moral failing. In some cases you may be dealing with shame that dates to the distant past, meaning your substance abuse was partially motivated by a desire to escape from long-term pain.

Research shows that shame is common among people who seek treatment for addiction ¹. In this context, overcoming shame means learning to forgive yourself for your perceived mistakes, including those related to your substance abuse. To defeat addiction you must truly believe you have the power to change and that you deserve a better life, and if your shame is not replaced with self-forgiveness it can steal your sense of purpose.

What Is Shame?

Shame is what you feel when you judge yourself to be weak, inadequate, and undeserving of love or respect. When immersed in shame you’ll be filled with regret over past sins both real and imagined, believing they are a sign of bad character. You may hide parts of your personal history, fearing that others would reject you if they knew the truth.

While it is often linked to past behavior, in some instances shame has no obvious cause. You might have been down on yourself for as long as you remember, convinced that others are better or more worthy than you and that you don’t deserve success or happiness. Your insecurities may have taken over your mind, turning your shame into a reflex response.

Shame is often grouped together with guilt. But they are actually different emotions. When you feel guilty the focus is on specific behaviors you regret. With shame you question not just your actions but your value as a person, and that is what makes it so debilitating and devastating.

The Causes of Shame

Feelings of shame are a consequence of troubling life experiences, and of how you’ve chosen to interpret those experiences. You see your failures, shortcomings, and regrettable behavior as a sign of your unworthiness. Even when you’ve been victimized by others you may blame yourself for what happened, feeling ashamed because you weren’t strong enough to stop the abuse.

But why do you feel this way? There are many possible causes of shame, which you might have been affected by at different times in your life.

Causes of Shame from Childhood

Many people who suffer from chronic feelings of shame are still being impacted by negative experiences from childhood, which can have a devastating effect on vulnerable young minds. Some of the childhood causes of shame include:

• Being verbally, physically, or sexually abused by caregivers. Children who experience these horrors may come to believe they were somehow at fault for the abuse, and those feelings can persist.
• Growing up in a shame-ridden household. Parents who feel inferior or unworthy can easily pass those ideas on to their children, even if they try not to.
• Frequent criticism from caregivers. Parents who highlight their children’s failures while minimizing their accomplishments inevitably damage their kids’ self-esteem and sense of worthiness.
• Bullying. Children who are bullied at home, in school or online may come to believe that the terrible things said to them and about them are true. If the bullying is physical, they may feel shame because they weren’t able to defend themselves.

Causes of Shame in Adulthood

Negative experiences in later years can reinforce already-existing feelings of shame, or even cause a person to feel shame for the first time. Some of the causes of shame from adulthood include:

• Trauma. Physically, psychological, or emotionally traumatic experiences can leave a person feeling ashamed, if they believe their choices somehow contributed to the awful outcome.
• Toxic relationships. Relationships with romantic partners, parents, or work colleagues may include persistent criticism and verbal abuse that causes a person to doubt their self-worth and value.
• Bad behavior that affects others. When someone does something thoughtless, reckless or selfish that causes others to suffer, what starts as guilt may turn into shame over time.
• Moral failure. A person may feel shame if they somehow compromised their own ethical standards. They may feel this way even if no one else knows what happened.

Shame and Addiction: A Complex Relationship

Studies have shown a clear relationship between shame and substance use disorders. The research reveals that this dispiriting emotion can be both a cause and a consequence of addiction.

Shame As a Cause of Substance Abuse

Studies have shown that people who experience chronic shame are no more likely to use drugs and alcohol than anyone else.  However,  when people plagued by shame do turn to substance use, they are far more likely to develop an addiction than those who have no such issues ².

Undoubtedly, mind-altering substances can provide some temporarily relief from pervasive shame (or from any other negative emotion for that matter). But the high or sense of numbness someone experiences from using drugs or alcohol fades quickly, causing them to consume intoxicating substances in greater and greater amounts as they desperately try to recapture that initial feeling. This is the classic dynamic that so often leads to substance abuse and addiction.

Shame as a Consequence of Substance Abuse

A person struggling with shame and substance abuse simultaneously can become caught up in what is referred to as the “shame addiction cycle.³” This describes a pattern of behavior where a person feeling shame over their addiction will paradoxically use more and more drugs or alcohol rather than less, in their efforts to escape those bad feelings.  But in the end this only makes them feel more ashamed, which in turn leads to even more substance abuse.

This reveals how chronic shame can sabotage your efforts to get clean and sober.  Even if you go through treatment and manage to stay off drugs and alcohol for a while, this is unlikely to last if your feelings of shame have not been addressed.

Breaking the Shame Addiction Cycle

It is important to note that the ‘shame addiction cycle’ is far from a universal reality. Some people actually become more motivated to change as a result of the shame they feel over their substance abuse.

So what is the difference? According to research, it all comes down to attitude. Those who believe in the possibility of change and redemption are more likely to respond in a positive or proactive manner to their shame than those who feel overwhelmed and discouraged⁴. Despite their addiction and their mental suffering they still have hope, which can be a powerful tool for healing.

Self-Forgiveness as the Antidote for Shame, in Recovery and Beyond

When you seek treatment for addiction, your recovery program will include healing services for any and all underlying mental health issues. Your therapists will help you confront your shame, recognizing it as a barrier to healing.

If your shame actually helps motivate your efforts to recover, that can be a benefit, at least for a while. But ultimately this is a feeling you’ll need to overcome, for the sake of your long-term mental health and sobriety. If shame persists, you’ll likely lack the self-confidence and resiliency you need to fully embrace the recovery process. It will make it much harder to avoid relapse once treatment ends as well.

To overcome deep-seated feelings of shame, you’ll have to find a way to forgive yourself for all of your perceived flaws and failings, including those related to your substance abuse. You must let it all go—that’s what self-forgiveness is all about, and its one of the most empowering steps you’ll ever take.

Letting Go and Moving On: The Healing Power of Self-Forgiveness

During recovery, the addiction specialists and mental health professions who comprise your treatment team will lead you through a process of comprehensive healing. They will support your efforts to gain a new and more uplifting perspective, one that makes self-forgiveness possible.

Here’s what you’ll need to do to complete your transformation:

• Acknowledge the shame.  Before healing can begin you must own your shame, and push yourself through any reluctance you feel to speak about it. Your therapists will gently guide you through your most difficult memories, helping you see them—and yourself—in a new light.
• Take full responsibility for the impact of your substance abuse. It will be impossible to forgive yourself if you suppress the truth about the impact your substance abuse has had on your loved ones. This truth may hurt, but facing it will be essential to your recovery, from shame as well as from addiction.
• Make amends to repair your relationships. Taking responsibility for your behavior is important, but to really move past your shame you’ll should try to make up for the harm you’ve caused. This may require an apology in some cases, but more substantial efforts might be required to win the forgiveness of your friends or family members in others.
• Practice self-compassion. You should work to change your inner dialogue, replacing self-criticism with words of self-acceptance and forgiveness.
• Remove toxic influences from your life. This could mean cutting off relations with people who criticize you or otherwise reinforce your feelings of shame. It could also mean removing yourself from toxic environments that trigger the bad feelings.
• Embrace a program of wellness and personal growth. Dedicate yourself to maintaining a healthier lifestyle, by improving your diet, exercise habits, and sleeping patterns, and of course by maintaining your sobriety. Your addiction treatment regimen will likely include mindfulness practices that promote relaxation and a more positive attitude, and you should continue these practices after treatment ends.
• Leave the past behind. Your past mistakes should be discussed with your therapists. But the goal should be to make peace with your painful memories, so you can finally forgive yourself and move on into a brighter future.

It will take courage and determination to honestly confront your shame and its sources. But when you’ve done so you’ll feel good about what you’ve accomplished, as you realize that shame no longer has a role to play in your life.

Getting Help for Shame and Addiction

Your in-patient or outpatient recovery program will be multilayered, built around healing methodologies that have a proven track record of success against addiction. When shame is a complicating factor it will be carefully targeted, using therapies that have been found useful at helping people resolve their issues with this life-altering emotion.

Here are three types of therapy that have been found to help ameliorate feelings of shame in those undergoing treatment for addiction:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Research has shown cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to be a highly effective remedy for persistent shame⁵. Other studies have revealed how effective CBT can be in treating addiction, making it an ideal form of therapy when shame and substance use disorders occur together⁶.

In CBT sessions, your therapist will encourage you to explore the deeper connections between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, searching for unhealthy patterns rooted in shame. You’ll  work to replace your self-sabotaging mental habits with those that promote self-acceptance and self-forgiveness, both of which will be essential in your quest for long-term sobriety.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT)

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is a popular method for treating the shame that can complicate addiction recovery. This approach uses modified cognitive-behavioral methods to help clients regulate particularly strong emotions and develop effective coping strategies for such feelings.

Through DBT, you can learn to recognize and challenge the self-critical thoughts that support powerful feelings of shame. This will lead to a gradual reduction in shame over time, strengthening your commitment to recovery by demonstrating that obstacles to healing can be overcome.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a therapeutic approach shown to be highly effective in addressing shame within the context of addiction recovery⁷. ACT with teach you how to respond differently to troubling thoughts and emotions, making them easier to manage and ultimately eliminate.  ACT will help you counter the self-criticism that supports your feelings of shame, before showing you how to replace your harsh self-judgments with more compassionate and empowering responses.

A Healing Journey of Redemption and Forgiveness

You can escape from the dark shadows cast by addiction. You can also overcome the debilitating impact of the shame that left you doubting your worth for far too long.

Your progress in recovery and beyond will demonstrate your remarkable capacity for personal growth and healing. As you move forward in your life, you’ll take great pride knowing that you overcame tremendous challenges to arrive at a healthier place.  Self-forgiveness will play a major role in your story of redemption, giving you the happy ending that you deserve.

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